Wot we did in Derby

[From Chris Nicole]

"Let's go to Derby", He sez.

"We're going to meet The Creator", He sez. Well I din't like da sound of dat but He seemed 'appy enuff.

"We're going to fight some Ducks!" Well Orl Rite! Bit wet and greasy, but they taste orl rite wen yoo get da feathers off.

Bit of a long jorney down and not da usual old chariot either. He let da Rattys out to show 'is mates and dey said "derewoz dozens of dem mad buggers* onbord, an no cheese, Sqweek!". Well we got dere and he lets us out of our box. Even I no Derby's down souf, but burning sand? Hot, bright light in da sky? Pyramids!? I fort ducks like wet an muddy? Anyways der's dis bit of hills an woods wiv a pond in da middle. A'Ha! dat must be were da ducks are hidin from us.

So we lined up, us Orcs in da middle, Wolf Riders on da right, Chariots at da back (an best place for em!) Hob Gobs an Ogres on da left with da new battlewagon. Den we Hut, hutted towards da woods, "ErewigO, erewigO, erwigO!"

Well it wosn't Ducks! Three huge great figures wiv animal heads on dere shoulders come swooshing out of da woods an was on us before we could say "Wot da..!?". Da Iron Wolf managed to lob one bolt at dem an missed by miles. Ha! new fangled rubbish. Den dey was Woo-wooing and smiting among us. One of em wiv a dogs head set about da wolfboyz. Well he just smites is way through em an dey can't do nuffink to im. Dems only littul Gobbos, bullyin I calls it an I orta no coz' dats My Job! Anuvver of em sets about da ogers, dem lads is big an ard but dey're not too bright no wot I meen, an dey gets confused when dey hits summat but don't hurt it.

An da new fire shaman wosn't no good either, Power over Fire!?? I've ad otter curries! Wot we needed wos a real wizzard. Old Malarky mite not be playin wiv a full deck but he no's 'is spells. He'da showed dem great spirits wot for an no messin. Da new chap did manage to summon a couple of Fire elemntals, but da big spirit done fer em both Poof! inna cloud ov smoke an we just Oohed! and Ahhed! at da fireworks.

Der woz sum vulturemen flyin about as well, dey cums swooping in an make a mess on da Iron Wolf. Well dat reallly pee'doff da Gnome wot drives it. 'E luvs dat fing like it wos a sword or a proper wepon not sum gadget. So 'e goes chasin off after dem vultures. Da hole battle chasin ruddy vultures an not catchin dem. We told im "Dont dance wiv em, KILLEM!" but it dunt do nogood.

Back in da center, us orcs seen wot Dog'ed done wiv da wolfboys so we lines up proper orc fashion; Spears to da front, bows loaded an ready to shoot. We thinks we'll show im if 'e trys dat wiv us, but da crafty bugger nips round da side an wacks our end company in da flank! Now is dat Fair? I arsk yer, Is dat Fair? Sum folks jus dont no ow to fight proper. Well 'e comes stridin in an two companys gone jus like dat. We tries to get a flank on im an a wolfboy hits im in da rear but it dont make no difference, anuvver two companys, spear and bow head back to da box. Den da Shaman yells out "It's four O'clock an fings aint lookin good", well first I fort 'e meant it was time for a tea break, but den I finks "Nope, fings really aint lookin good. We've bin had, dats wot".

By now our Genral is lined up agen Dog'ed an I finks now we'll see summat, coz our Genral can be rite nasty in a fight. Yoo dont get to be an Orc genral by playin nice. But orl ov a sudden a ruddy great fireball lands KABLOOIE!! Well ders spears an bows scattered all ovver da place an no sign of our genral, just his hat smolderin in a big puddle ov grease. It brung tears to my eyes, an I've seen sum fings.

Den, dis hoity-toity wiv a snake on 'is hat trots up ter us in is pony an trap. "Oi Say", he sez, "Get orf moi Sand! har, har!" Well dats jus addin insult to injery, he shouldn't ov done dat not after our poor old genral an all. Set is gods on us wud 'e? Ders still a few ov us left an We're still Orcs an proud of it. We ups an scrags im, we stuff's is ponies, tips is cart over, an nick is dirty postcards! Dat showed im. Ha!

But it really wos orl over. Even an orc needs to no wen to stop fightin an start runnin. Next time it'll be different, Yoo mark my wurds!

A.N Honest Orc, wORCorespondent.

* Worgamers. Yoo can tell by da tshirt an anoraks.

Copyright © 1999 by Samuel Reynolds. All rights reserved. Last modified 1998/11/10.
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